it's only a gift if you don't have to listen

Last year for Christmas, my sister-in-law decided that the best possible Christmas gift for my mom was Susan Boyle's CD "I Dreamed a Dream." (If you don't know about Susan Boyle, she's the one who was on Britain's Got Talent and stood up there all frumpy and church lady and BLEW the socks off all the judges and everyone who saw it on YouTube). As it turns out, my sister-in-law was absolutely right. My mom put that disk in the the CD player, and it was played housewide for the entire two-week Christmas break. Great gift for Mom, very very painful gift for the rest of us.

I didn't fully realize how insipid "Wild Horses" was until the CD started (that's right, she opened with "Wild Horses") and I heard Susan Boyle drag that song out for nearly 5 minutes.

"Wiiiiiiiiiiiiild horses {breath} couldn't draaaag me aweeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Wild wildwildwildwildwildwild horses {breath} couldn't drag me aweeeeay."

Then this morning, I saw on Amazon that she has a new disk (just in time for Christmas) called "The Gift." We know what happened when the last one was a gift ... we had to listen to it a thousand times!

As I waited for my computer to load the list of songs that were actually on "The Gift," my husband made some suggestions about what "The Gift" may include. In anticipation for what we will likely be subjected to during this year's holiday festivities, he gave a short medley of what he expected Susan to come up with this year:

"What is it? The best of the 80's?
"I'm huuuuuungry like the wooooooooooooooooooolf.
"I coooooome from a land down undeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.
"Now whip iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Whip it gooooooooooooooooooooooooood {accompanied by Spanish guitar}.

"Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake oooooooooooooooooooooon meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Taaaaaaaaaake oooooooooooooon meeeeeeeeeee." (ok, that might actually work out well for her.)

As it turns out (I finally found better details for the disk), "The Gift, sees Susan Boyle and world acclaimed producer Steve Mac reunited to present a breathtaking seasonal album. Featuring yule time favourites ‘The First Noel’ and ‘O Holy Night’, Susan also fearlessly takes on iconic pop songs including ‘Don’t Dream It’s Over’ and ‘Perfect Day’ giving them a new identity."

Ok, first of all, who taught this guy how to use commas?
Second, I can't imagine that dragging out "Don't Dream It's Over" for another five minutes counts as fearlessly taking on iconic pop songs. Unless they mean "fearlessly taking on" as in "she has a machete and she's not afraid to use it."

Anyone who purchases this "seasonal" album will have to first get through Susan doing Lou Reed's "Perfect Day." Then there are a couple of Christmas-esque songs (I think "Hallelujah" counts as Christmasy), and then the listener is hit with "Don't Dream It's Over." Really?

Amazon hasn't given us samples yet, so I can only imagine: "Hey nooooooooooooooooooooow, hey nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow, don't dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam it's ooooooooooooover. Heynowheynowheynowheynow, when the world comes iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin."

All I can say is: "The Gift" better not be a gift at our house this year.