more from dove

These aren't from Martha, but Dove continues to put these silly things on their wrappers. I have no choice but to comment.

"You're gorgeous."
My husband tells me that every day, even when I look like crap. What else you got?

"Shut out the world for just one moment."
You know what, the effort it takes to shut out the WHOLE world, I'm going to do that for more than a moment.

"Make every day a holiday."
This is a great suggestion, but what do holidays mean? Candy in differently decorated wrappers - so that after a full year of holiDAILies, I can have a holiday just for my GIANT ass. A paid day off from work - right, except, work is going to stop paying me if I take every day off, and then how will I pay for all of my assorted holiday candies (and my new, larger pants?)

"Be spontaneous."
If you have to tell me to be spontaneous, and I start planning to be spontaneous in response, then I don't think it counts as spontaneous any more.

"Sing along with the elevator music."
First, not a whole lot of elevators where I live. Second, most of the elevator muzak I've heard lately does NOT have words. I could DANCE to the elevator music - sway softly with my eyes closed while others look at me and wonder what the hell is wrong with me.... I'll just stick with singing along with the music in the stores - at least there are words.

office-wide memo

To All Staff:

If you have reached this point in your life and you are unable to operate a simple piece of office equipment like a toilet paper holder, namely taking an empty roll off and putting a full roll on, please report to your supervisor immediately so you can be fired for incompetence.

If you are not incompetent and you had some other reason for just setting a new roll of toilet paper on top of the empty roll, please report to your supervisor so you can be fired for being a lazy sack.*


*Feeling that you are somehow above changing the toilet paper roll is also grounds for a good firing … see your supervisor.