To be clear, Martha is one of my heroes. Anyone who can have a staff of hundreds, go to jail, and then get a staff of hundreds more is pretty great. I just have a problem with Martha showing up in my candy, especially with these crazy suggestions.
For example, "For a simple ornament, sprinkle glitter on paper cutouts."
I don't have any glitter. I don't have any paper cutouts. If I tried to make my own paper cutouts, I would probably end up with a missing finger and some festive red all over my desk and carpet.
As a consolation, I just stapled the candy foil wrapper to my wall. It was pretty.
But wait...there's more.
Christmas ends. The next candy-oriented holiday: Valentine's Day. I love Valentine's Day. Not because my husband is super romantic and buys me wonderful gifts and takes me out to dinner and that kind of stuff, but because the candy is friggin' GREAT! It's almost as good as Halloween candy! So when the Dove candies show up at the store for Valentine's Day, I'm thinking, "friggin' GREAT! Maybe they'll have inspirational quotes from awesome women."
No such luck. A whole bag of candy, and this is what I got:
Create a heart using two parts of your own ink-stained finger. Martha, having my loved one think I'm bleeding from my fingers because of red ink stains is not the way I want to start my valentine evening.
Draw a heart in the foam of your sweetheart’s cappuccino. With my ink-stained fingers? Gross.
For a unique Valentine gift, have a star named after your loved one. That's unique - "Look honey you and BILLIONS of others..."
Add sparkle to your valentine dessert: top it with a sparkler. Nothing says "I love you" like lighting dessert on fire.
Set pillar candles atop overturned glasses for a centerpiece. This will go nicely with your flaming cake.
To start a romantic fire, crisscross kindling on top of newspaper. But if your fire is not romantic don’t do it this way, just use dessert.
Use a cookie cutter to make heart-shaped croutons for a salad. Unless you tell your valentine that the croutons are shaped like hearts, is he or she really going to notice that the crumbly bits of dried bread in the salad are shaped like hearts?
Ice cream frozen on a sheet pan can be cut into hearts. Won't the hearts just melt into pools when you set them on fire?
Acknowledge Cupid on V-day with toast cut into hearts and arrows. Then make peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off for lunch? What is it with this woman and cutting food into weird shapes?
Florist tip: ask them to leave out the filler and baby’s breath. Is this like a romantic, single red rose kind of thing, or a "cheap bastard" kind of thing?
Try wrapping a floral bouquet in a classic love poem. Is this the "bouquet" without all the "fillers"?
Package a favorite novel with a heart-shaped bookmark. I'm sure "Fight Club" is very romantic when it comes with a heart-shaped book mark.
Inscribe paper hearts, then overlap to form blossoms. I don't even know what the instructions here mean.
Use unexpected vessels to display your Valentine’s Day flowers. What would one classify as an "unexpected vessel?"
To extend the life of your roses, add sugar and a bit of bleach. A bit like a splash? or a bit like my dad uses to
Wear the same perfume from your wedding – scent memory is strong. ...and you're going to have to cover the bleach-rose smell wafting from the unexpected vessel.
Add rosewater to a Valentine dessert for a light floral flavor....but do not use rosewater to extinguish the burning dessert after the sparkler sets the tablecloth on fire.
Use a flower frog to build an arrangement. What the hell is a flower frog?
For a valentine card, photocopy a rose between sheets of acetate. If you don't have a rose or acetate, just photocopy your butt with your legs crossed to make a heart.
Use the cut end of a head of radicchio to form a rose stamp. I'm not sure I even know what radicchio is. And if you've already photocopied a rose, why would you need to make a stamp?
Customize the cover of a journal for your Valentine. With photocopies of my butt?
For wrapping, iron paper hearts between sheets of wax paper. I thought I was stamping radicchio roses on photocopies of my butt for wrapping.
Rewrap a store-bought chocolate bar in a love note. Somebody could have wiped their butt with that love note.
