Because of past problems with pregnancies, our doctor prescribed progesterone AS SOON AS we had a positive home pregnancy test. He went as far as giving us a prescription so we could just fill it.
From June through August, we did everything to make filling that prescription worthwhile. On July 1, we were treated to a definite no. On July 31, we had a 6-mile run, followed by a delicious breakfast and another definite no. As we prepared for our vacation to Canada at the end of August, I thought it would be a good idea to take a home pregnancy test to see if progesterone was something we should pack - home test was a definite no with high levels of frustration. No progesterone in the luggage, but plenty of tampons and stuff for when we got another definite no.
So off we went to Canada ... sure that no additional people were involved.
We had a lovely drive (rainy, but lovely). We stayed at a lovely B&B. We had a lovely day in a park. We had wonderful food. We had a lovely (LONG) bike ride. It was during the bike ride that we noticed things were a little off.
After riding in one direction for about an hour, we turned around and headed back to a town that had a little cafe about 300 m from the trail we were on. We devoured our delicious sandwiches and then ordered dessert. My husband got strawberry shortcake, and when it came out I began to smell the delicious dessert -- "They used Bisquik to make the biscuits instead of shortcake." Another sniff. "The whipped cream is homemade, and they put vanilla in it."
My husband: "Super smeller!"
Me: "Oh my god! Super smeller!"
Then I did some math. That home pregnancy test may not have been as accurate as we thought.
Between the super smeller and the bad math, I started making plans for a home pregnancy test when we returned to our home state -- not home. Our home state. We rerouted our trip home to stop by a Target. We ran inside, and I grabbed a home pregnancy test. I ran to the checkout and made my purchase -- "no bag necessary. Thanks."
I took my purchase into the bathroom, peed on the stick, put the lid on and stuffed it back in the box. Washed hands (singing the alphabet, using the paper towel to shut off the faucet and open the door) and went back to the lobby where my husband was waiting.
Husband: So?
Me: I didn't look at it! I wanted to do this together. {start pulling the test back out of the box}
Husband: Wait, this is very public.
Me: Ok, let's go out to the car. {run out to parking lot}
Husband: {pulling me off to the side just on the sidewalk} Here's good.
Me: {pulling test out of the box} What the hell does that mean?
Husband: What? {as I examine a stick with too many lines on it, my husband pulls the instructions out and starts trying to figure out what we're looking at.}
So, here's the thing. You know that commercial where they say "1 in 4 women misread home pregnancy tests"? Now I know why. We have spent months looking at home pregnancy tests that go like this: pee on the stick, vertical control line turns blue/pink, vertical positive indicator line turns blue/pink (or not, which we also had a couple of) as indicator window moistens. What I purchased at Target that day was a test that went like this: pee on stick, vertical control line turns blue, blue horizontal line ALREADY EXISTS ON TEST in indicator window (I didn't notice because I was in such a damn hurry), indicator window moistens and another vertical line appears. What the hell is the horizontal line about? I totally didn't get it. Then my husband pointed out the pictures for comparison.
The horizontal line was meant to combine with the second vertical line to make a PLUS sign when you're pregnant, and it's supposed to be a MINUS sign when you're not. Why do they have to complicate things? Two lines = yes, one line = no. What's so hard about that?! Why add a third frikkin' line? Oh no, we have to be clever and make it "easier to read." I'm thinking a bunch of men who aren't fathers are in charge of making the tests "easier to read."
Just to be clear, this reaction was what we thought about AFTER the following conversation:
Husband: Oh my god, it's positive.
Me: We did it!
Husband: We did it! {happy couple leans in for a smooch} This is still very public.
So there it was, we found out about the latest grandchild in the parking lot at Target.
Sorry kiddo.
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